A Day In The Life…December 09

20 11 2009

Christmas Day simply wouldn’t be Christmas Day without a good family row, would it? I hate to be a harbinger of doom (actually that’s not true, it’s my hobby), but I must advise you that if you are intending to purchase just one FATBOY Beanbag for your family this Christmas, the mother of all bust-ups is almost inevitable. If you give the FATBOY to the children, granny will throw a complete wobbly, and you know what she’s like after a couple of sherries. If, instead, you label it “To Granny, Love Santa”, then the children will steal it and slope off to their rooms and nuclear war will ensue.

Take our sage advice, pop in and buy every family member one each. (We’ll do you a good deal for more than one, and we always beat the best internet price anyway). You won’t regret it. Everyone can have a different colour, so there’s no possibility of confusion. Then, when you’re all stuffed with mince pies and stilton, you can have a snoring competition in front of the electric yule log. That’s much more fun than the traditional games of rude Pictionary or dirty Scrabble. The winner is the person whose snores first register 8.2 on the Richter scale. It’s usually me in my house.

If you have a voyeuristic streak, consider one of our giant 7’ x 5’ mirrors for the living room. (Order before December 15th please.) You can all watch each other snore, it beats the Queen’s speech hands down.

Anyway, when you come to, after a couple of hours, don’t get up too quickly, or the residual Bailey’s Irish Cream will drain from your brain. Put a book by your side before you sit down, carefully open one eye when you wake up, and squint at the pages for 20 minutes before you head to the cocktail cabinet for a stiffener.

We recommend this book, Curry, A Global History, as the perfect way to re-enter the land of the living. It will also cause extreme salivation, removing the coating of cranberry sauce from your tongue. By all means give it to the man of the house as a pressie first, but make sure you steal it back before you collapse onto your FATBOY.

When you and your loved ones are compos mentis again, you’ll probably all want something to do together before settling down for the traditional two hours bonding in front of Von Ryan’s Express.

This quiz book will do the trick. Granted, there will be quizzes in the fourteen newspapers you purchase on Christmas Eve, but not as obscurely fiendish as this one. Give it to Grandpa, he likes to be in charge, and the feeling of power may even stop him losing his temper with the teenage members of the household, although admittedly that is a long shot.

Now, you need to know when to come and grab all of the above, don’t you? We’re open every day in December, and there are Late Night Shopping events in Olney on 2nd, 11th and 18th December. We shall be standing to attention by the till, shoulders back, chest out, credit card machine unholstered and environmentally unfriendly bags poised to pollute. Or just come in during normal opening hours to receive a cheery scowl and our time honoured seasonal greeting “What the ruddy hell do you want, can’t you see we’re busy?” That last bit is a joke, we’re actually quite friendly really, and, you can park at back of t’gallery for nowt. You don’t get personalised red carpet treatment like that in Milton Keynes, do you? I’ve even considered offering valet parking but I’d be tempted to go joyriding if you’ve got a flash motor. Wheeee.

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26 11 2009
Suzanne Portnoy » The Naked Handshake

[…] That’s IceTwice Gallery, 01234 714499. Ask for Kim and tell him that Suzanne sent you. I think they’re about £140. He has a rather good blog too…. […]

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