A Day In The Life…October 2009

30 09 2009

Right. I’ve had enough. I’m not cooperating with all this Christmas nonsense any more. Stand by for an announcement that may very well cause you to quake in your Uggs or Hunter wellies or whatever other frippery you park on the business end of your lower limbs.

We hereby require ALL Christmas shopping at ICETWICE to be completed by October 31st.

All the ballyhoo and blather associated with this ridiculously outmoded quasi-religious neo-pagan consumerist ritual, has got to stop and stop now. It’s got out of hand. Therefore, as a principled protest against it all, we shall be SHUTTING for November and December, so if you haven’t taken full advantage of the vast array of irresistible goods on offer in our magnificently appointed emporium by 5pm on the aforementioned date you will have jolly well missed the boat, AND the last bus home, AND very possibly blotted your copybook to boot, into the bargain and up to the hilt. Obviously this means I have to shovel enough money into my till during the next four weeks to tide me through the last two months of the year, so you’ll have to step up and stump up, and we don’t want any whinging thank you very much. Omelette, eggs, breaking, etc.

I fully expect this decree to have a positive effect on the entire nation’s collective psyche, and I shall be quite cross if the rest of Britain’s shopkeepers don’t follow suit. I’ve left voicemails for Sirs Stuart Rose and Phillip Green demanding that they fall in line pretty pronto and present a united front, and, if they refuse, I shall be, well, miffed is not too strong a word.

To encourage you in this proud endeavour, I am prepared to stay open a bit later than 5.00pm if there are queues of you still at the till when it’s time to shut, but I must ask you to please be organised and have your cash handy and neatly folded, ready for pressing punctually into my hand. Try not to chatter too much to the other customers because they must concentrate all their efforts on not dropping their gargantuan pile of shopping. If you need trolleys, I know they have loads of them at the Co-op and Tesco and I doubt they’ll mind too much if you borrow one for a bit. If they have a problem with that, take my advice, send a stiff letter to their MD, with a copy to Mark Lancaster MP.

penis pokey

If you’re uncertain what to buy, because you’re used to leaving it all until December 24th, hoping inspiration will kick in, give me a bell or email me, and I’ll suggest some things. I don’t want you complaining at my choices though. You can’t very well cry for help and then object when I tell you that what Granny would really like is a Penis Pokey book (a mere £7.99), and that Uncle Gerald is extremely keen on R. Crumb’s Heroes of Blues, Jazz & Country (underpriced at £9.99, with free CD). r crumb

Now, one more thing. If you MUST insist on having a Christmas tree, ditch the old-fashioned three dimensional version, and get one of these, from us of course. A 6 foot tall two dimensional cardboard cut-out tree. Very cost and space effective, complete with baubles and a decent selection of pressies to make it look as though you have loads of friends and are very popular. A snip at £30. Place orders now please because otherwise they won’t be here by end of October, and then your lovely serene family day on December 25th will be absolutely ruined and it will be, frankly, all, your, fault.
Picture 118
Happy Quasi-Religious Neo-Pagan Consumerist Ritual.

This article was first published in The Times Ecumenical Supplement on April 1st 2009



2 responses

11 10 2009
amelia bryant

I WILL PROTEST BY SITTING IN THE MAIN ROOM AND SUPPERGLYING BY BUM TO THE FLOOR (and i don;t care if it means missing school there fore important notes needed for my GCSE’s)!!!

11 10 2009

Well Amelia, I appreciate your heartfelt plea, but the only way for you to prevent this course of action is to get out there and drum up support from all the residents of Milton Keynes, Northampton, Bedford, and all the villages in the area too. Then I might reconsider. do your duty, there’s a lamb. xxx

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