The New EU Organic Logo.

11 12 2009

Is anyone able to explain to me why we really need an EU Organic Logo? If, just for the sake of argument, they can, can they also explain why the EU needs to spend so much time and money deciding what it should look like? A jury of 12 people, congregating in Brussels? Surely 3 (or 4 at most) would have been enough, and have the EU not heard of conference calls? If member states feel the need for a logo to identify organic food, surely they can make their own cheap convenient arrangements. Organic food usually says ‘Organic’ in big letters on the packaging anyway?

If any enterprising EU civil servant cares to leak the total cost of their travel, accommodation and fees to me, I’ll be happy to publish them here.

Jury members (Rob Vermeulen (chairman), Miguel Induráin, Riitta Brusila, Elisabeth Mercier, Urs Niggli, Craig Sams, Szymon Skrzypczak, Erik Spiekermann, Tom Václavík) plus Agnieszka Bodera, Victoria Petrova, Julien Mousnier and Christiane Kirketerp from DG AGRI

The winner and two runners-up will be invited to an award ceremony in Brussels in summer 2010, where they will be presented with their prizes by the European Commissioner for Agriculture and Rural Development. What a song and dance at taxpayers’ expense.


Free Guide to Dubai. Before they rename it Dusell.

2 12 2009

You’re unlikely to want to visit Dubai anytime soon now that it’s about to collapse into a minor fishing port once again, but hey, grab one of these before they stop printing them. We have a limited number of free copies. They’re sure to become collectors items. One copy free whenever you spend £20 or more on travel books at ICETWICE.

Clifton Reynes Wives in Hard-Core Porn Scandal!

27 11 2009

Who’d a thunk it? The hitherto highly respected womenfolk of Clifton Reynes have become immersed in a growing scandal involving images of their scantily clad bodies, and, hold the front page, there are scenes involving manual manipulation of worryingly cylindrical shaped objects such as umbrellas, wine bottles, fishing rods and even, whisper it, cricket bat handles.

What’s worse, one image involves horses! Have they no shame?

We have been browbeaten, in our official capacity as pornographers to Olney, into fencing these items to the general public for monetary gain. Our defence, when the matter inevitably comes to court, is that all, yes, ALL the proceeds of the sale of this filth will go straight to Breast Cancer Care.

For that I am told we must thank the Official Sponsors of this enterprise, who have generously paid the production costs of this soon to become notorious collector’s item henceforth known as Exhibit A (The Clifton Reynes Calendar Girls 2010 Calendar).

A tenner to you, all to charity, roll up, roll up, form an orderly queue, no shoving please.

Calendar Design by Pickwick Swales Ltd.
Photography by Harriet Shaw.

The ICETWICE Christmas Preview Evening…

25 11 2009


Shop In Olney Or The Kitten Dies.

21 11 2009

It seems to work for Somali pirates. Why shouldn’t it work for Olney? If you set one foot in Milton Keynes Shopping Centre, the kitten dies. Do all your Christmas Shopping in the wonderfully eclectic mixture of traditional market town and cutting edge boutique retail wonderland that is Olney, and the kitten makes it through to 2010. Think we’re kidding?

Baroness Ashton of Knotty Ash?

20 11 2009

Have the EU in their ‘wisdom’ appointed Baroness Ashton of Upholland when they meant to appoint Ken Dodd? It is easy to understand their mistake. There is a remarkable resemblance.

A Day In The Life…December 09

20 11 2009

Christmas Day simply wouldn’t be Christmas Day without a good family row, would it? I hate to be a harbinger of doom (actually that’s not true, it’s my hobby), but I must advise you that if you are intending to purchase just one FATBOY Beanbag for your family this Christmas, the mother of all bust-ups is almost inevitable. If you give the FATBOY to the children, granny will throw a complete wobbly, and you know what she’s like after a couple of sherries. If, instead, you label it “To Granny, Love Santa”, then the children will steal it and slope off to their rooms and nuclear war will ensue.

Take our sage advice, pop in and buy every family member one each. (We’ll do you a good deal for more than one, and we always beat the best internet price anyway). You won’t regret it. Everyone can have a different colour, so there’s no possibility of confusion. Then, when you’re all stuffed with mince pies and stilton, you can have a snoring competition in front of the electric yule log. That’s much more fun than the traditional games of rude Pictionary or dirty Scrabble. The winner is the person whose snores first register 8.2 on the Richter scale. It’s usually me in my house.

If you have a voyeuristic streak, consider one of our giant 7’ x 5’ mirrors for the living room. (Order before December 15th please.) You can all watch each other snore, it beats the Queen’s speech hands down.

Anyway, when you come to, after a couple of hours, don’t get up too quickly, or the residual Bailey’s Irish Cream will drain from your brain. Put a book by your side before you sit down, carefully open one eye when you wake up, and squint at the pages for 20 minutes before you head to the cocktail cabinet for a stiffener.

We recommend this book, Curry, A Global History, as the perfect way to re-enter the land of the living. It will also cause extreme salivation, removing the coating of cranberry sauce from your tongue. By all means give it to the man of the house as a pressie first, but make sure you steal it back before you collapse onto your FATBOY.

When you and your loved ones are compos mentis again, you’ll probably all want something to do together before settling down for the traditional two hours bonding in front of Von Ryan’s Express.

This quiz book will do the trick. Granted, there will be quizzes in the fourteen newspapers you purchase on Christmas Eve, but not as obscurely fiendish as this one. Give it to Grandpa, he likes to be in charge, and the feeling of power may even stop him losing his temper with the teenage members of the household, although admittedly that is a long shot.

Now, you need to know when to come and grab all of the above, don’t you? We’re open every day in December, and there are Late Night Shopping events in Olney on 2nd, 11th and 18th December. We shall be standing to attention by the till, shoulders back, chest out, credit card machine unholstered and environmentally unfriendly bags poised to pollute. Or just come in during normal opening hours to receive a cheery scowl and our time honoured seasonal greeting “What the ruddy hell do you want, can’t you see we’re busy?” That last bit is a joke, we’re actually quite friendly really, and, you can park at back of t’gallery for nowt. You don’t get personalised red carpet treatment like that in Milton Keynes, do you? I’ve even considered offering valet parking but I’d be tempted to go joyriding if you’ve got a flash motor. Wheeee.

Never Mind The Bollocks, What’s The Name Of The Font?

19 11 2009

Fonts. It’s amazing how worked up people get.

Actually, maybe it’s not. A font can say a lot about a business or an individual, so why shouldn’t you get passionate about them?

Anyway, what’s the point of this blog post? Just EMAIL us, and we’ll send you a link to one of these very cool fonts, which you can then download, free!

Oh, and we’ll enrol you in our Book Club at the same time, and then you can Buy 1 Get 1 Half Price, Forever! There’s no catch!

Manhood. The Rise & Fall Of The Penis

18 11 2009

The ancient Greeks paraded enormous sculptural replicas in annual celebration of the penis; Freud theorized that women suffered penis envy. An undeniable, global symbol of power and virility since the beginning of humankind, the penis has been much discussed, gestured towards, and depicted, yet seldom understood outside folklore and popular culture’s uneasy mix of self-deprecation and aggrandizement. Despite the penis’s central role in human life or perhaps due to that role, many men seem to suffer in isolation or silence from some perceived inadequacy or affliction. That’s where experienced urologist and sexologist Mels van Driel comes in. In Manhood he offers an unprecedented history of the penis – with answers to everything you ever wanted to know, and even some questions you’d never thought to ask.

In Manhood, van Driel presents the history of the male sexual organ from medical, psychological and cultural perspectives. Investigating the penis and its functions, from the scrotum to the glans, van Driel’s work ranges from inguinal hernia to infertility, and from impotence to the speed of ejaculation. Psychological factors that have an impact on sexual experience, as well as contemporary phenomena such as cyber sex, are given enlightening treatment along the way.

With much insight and good humour, van Driel offers diverse and instructive examples. This informative guide is not just a book for men, but for women too – anyone curious to know the facts behind the many myths and stories of the penis.

Mels van Driel is a urologist and sexologist at the University Medical Center in Groningen, The Netherlands. He has written widely for scientific publications, newspapers and magazines.

Late Night Shopping in Olney

11 11 2009