10 Downing Street Closes Early For Christmas.

22 12 2009

UPDATE 22ND DECEMBER. The petition site is currently closed to new petitions over the Christmas holidays. Why are you closed Gordon? Your taxpayers are still working!!!!!!!!

UPDATE 29TH DECEMBER. One week later. Many taxpayers are back at work, but not Gordon’s team. They’re still on holiday.

Which makes this sentence from an open letter from Gordon Brown to NHS staff, dated 21st December 2009, even more hypocritical:

“As you face another Christmas sacrificing time with loved ones to serve others, let me also pay tribute to the incredibly long hours you have put in this year”.

UPDATE 31st DECEMBER. Yawn. Gordon’s team STILL on hols.


Stocking Filler Awards. Deadlock. You Decide.

15 12 2009

It’s awards time of year…and the winner of the ICETWICE 2009 award for ‘Most Bizarre Stocking Filler’ goes to…

‘Happy Kitty Bunny Pony’ or ‘Fluffy Humpy Poopy Puppy”.

Yes, it’s deadlock. Our celebrity panel can’t decide, so it’s up to you, our glorious public, to vote, with your wallets.

March in to ICETWICE and buy the one YOU prefer, and then we can tell the world, in a very loud deep voice, that the victor is, in no particular order, well, which will it be?

Pop along and cast your cash into our till-shaped ballot box.

9 Days Left! Hurry along now.

ICETWICE…….Stocking Filler Central.
01234 714499

Gordon Brown wins Nobel Prize for Spending Other People’s Money!

11 12 2009

In a bold move designed to reward statesmen worldwide for taxing their citizens and distributing the money raised to other countries’ citizens, the Nobel Foundation has today announced a new Nobel Prize for ‘Spending Other People’s Money’.

The winner is …..Gordon Brown.

Smile Gordon. Global recogntion at last. Oh, I forgot, you can’t, sorry.



The New EU Organic Logo.

11 12 2009

Is anyone able to explain to me why we really need an EU Organic Logo? If, just for the sake of argument, they can, can they also explain why the EU needs to spend so much time and money deciding what it should look like? A jury of 12 people, congregating in Brussels? Surely 3 (or 4 at most) would have been enough, and have the EU not heard of conference calls? If member states feel the need for a logo to identify organic food, surely they can make their own cheap convenient arrangements. Organic food usually says ‘Organic’ in big letters on the packaging anyway?

If any enterprising EU civil servant cares to leak the total cost of their travel, accommodation and fees to me, I’ll be happy to publish them here.

Jury members (Rob Vermeulen (chairman), Miguel Induráin, Riitta Brusila, Elisabeth Mercier, Urs Niggli, Craig Sams, Szymon Skrzypczak, Erik Spiekermann, Tom Václavík) plus Agnieszka Bodera, Victoria Petrova, Julien Mousnier and Christiane Kirketerp from DG AGRI

The winner and two runners-up will be invited to an award ceremony in Brussels in summer 2010, where they will be presented with their prizes by the European Commissioner for Agriculture and Rural Development. What a song and dance at taxpayers’ expense.


Free Guide to Dubai. Before they rename it Dusell.

2 12 2009

You’re unlikely to want to visit Dubai anytime soon now that it’s about to collapse into a minor fishing port once again, but hey, grab one of these before they stop printing them. We have a limited number of free copies. They’re sure to become collectors items. One copy free whenever you spend £20 or more on travel books at ICETWICE.

Clifton Reynes Wives in Hard-Core Porn Scandal!

27 11 2009

Who’d a thunk it? The hitherto highly respected womenfolk of Clifton Reynes have become immersed in a growing scandal involving images of their scantily clad bodies, and, hold the front page, there are scenes involving manual manipulation of worryingly cylindrical shaped objects such as umbrellas, wine bottles, fishing rods and even, whisper it, cricket bat handles.

What’s worse, one image involves horses! Have they no shame?

We have been browbeaten, in our official capacity as pornographers to Olney, into fencing these items to the general public for monetary gain. Our defence, when the matter inevitably comes to court, is that all, yes, ALL the proceeds of the sale of this filth will go straight to Breast Cancer Care.

For that I am told we must thank the Official Sponsors of this enterprise, www.mercedes-benzofmiltonkeynes.co.uk who have generously paid the production costs of this soon to become notorious collector’s item henceforth known as Exhibit A (The Clifton Reynes Calendar Girls 2010 Calendar).

A tenner to you, all to charity, roll up, roll up, form an orderly queue, no shoving please.

Calendar Design by Pickwick Swales Ltd.
Photography by Harriet Shaw.

The ICETWICE Christmas Preview Evening…

25 11 2009