Gordon Brown wins Nobel Prize for Spending Other People’s Money!

11 12 2009

In a bold move designed to reward statesmen worldwide for taxing their citizens and distributing the money raised to other countries’ citizens, the Nobel Foundation has today announced a new Nobel Prize for ‘Spending Other People’s Money’.

The winner is …..Gordon Brown.

Smile Gordon. Global recogntion at last. Oh, I forgot, you can’t, sorry.

FULL BBC COVERAGE OF THIS STORY HERE

STOP PRESS….GORDON’S AT IT AGAIN!





The New EU Organic Logo.

11 12 2009

Is anyone able to explain to me why we really need an EU Organic Logo? If, just for the sake of argument, they can, can they also explain why the EU needs to spend so much time and money deciding what it should look like? A jury of 12 people, congregating in Brussels? Surely 3 (or 4 at most) would have been enough, and have the EU not heard of conference calls? If member states feel the need for a logo to identify organic food, surely they can make their own cheap convenient arrangements. Organic food usually says ‘Organic’ in big letters on the packaging anyway?

If any enterprising EU civil servant cares to leak the total cost of their travel, accommodation and fees to me, I’ll be happy to publish them here.

Jury members (Rob Vermeulen (chairman), Miguel Induráin, Riitta Brusila, Elisabeth Mercier, Urs Niggli, Craig Sams, Szymon Skrzypczak, Erik Spiekermann, Tom Václavík) plus Agnieszka Bodera, Victoria Petrova, Julien Mousnier and Christiane Kirketerp from DG AGRI

The winner and two runners-up will be invited to an award ceremony in Brussels in summer 2010, where they will be presented with their prizes by the European Commissioner for Agriculture and Rural Development. What a song and dance at taxpayers’ expense.

FEEL FREE TO LEAVE STROPPY COMMENTS ON THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE!





Shop In Olney Or The Kitten Dies.

21 11 2009

It seems to work for Somali pirates. Why shouldn’t it work for Olney? If you set one foot in Milton Keynes Shopping Centre, the kitten dies. Do all your Christmas Shopping in the wonderfully eclectic mixture of traditional market town and cutting edge boutique retail wonderland that is Olney, and the kitten makes it through to 2010. Think we’re kidding?





Baroness Ashton of Knotty Ash?

20 11 2009

Have the EU in their ‘wisdom’ appointed Baroness Ashton of Upholland when they meant to appoint Ken Dodd? It is easy to understand their mistake. There is a remarkable resemblance.





Dignitas Gift Vouchers Now Available!

30 10 2009

gift-voucher-category-fileWe are pleased to announce that we have made arrangements with Dignitas in Switzerland, and ICETWICE Gift Vouchers may now be used to give irritating co-workers, noisy neighbours, over-enthusiastic council employees, or late-paying clients a dignified end.

Actually, we made that up, it’s not true, so, Dignitas, please don’t sue us?

However, you may purchase ICETWICE Gift Vouchers and give them as Christmas presents.

Surely this surely cannot offend anyone?

Go HERE for details!

Or call us on 01234 714499

Love from ICETWICE
xxxx





In Memoriam….

1 10 2009

Well, we’ve taken down the offending banners on the front of the building, which, we’ll have you know, The Enforcement Officer described in his letter to us as “gaudy” Here’s the wikisaurus definition of gaudy:

“Very showy or ornamented, now especially when excessive, or in a tasteless or vulgar manner”

The Enforcement Officer, bless him, very diligently sent us all the relevant rules and regulation, and we joyously pored over The Town and Country Planning (Control of Advertisements) (England) Regulations 2007, and discovered that there is a, what’s the word, loophole, no, not loophole, enormous cavity in Part 1, Section 2.

“Interpretation
2.—(1) In these Regulations— “the Act” means the Town and Country Planning Act 1990;
“advertisement” does not include—
(a) anything employed wholly as a memorial or as a railway signal”

Now, I grant you, putting a railway signal on our facade would be pretty pointless, and I don’t propose to do this. But, a Memorial To The Sad Demise Of Common Sense seems an altogether more attractive idea. It might even look like this, and I defy anyone to describe it as tasteless, vulgar, showy or ornamented. Understated, discreet and muted, possibly, the other words, no.

in memoriam flat





Infamy, Infamy, They’ve All Got It In For Me. (Especially Milton Keynes Council).

23 09 2009

I received the ultimate accolade today, a visit from, wait for it, it’s a goody this title, The Enforcement Officer, Richard Proctor, the ‘hard man’ of Milton Keynes Council.

13092009471

My ‘crime’, apparently, is advertising my business. Without permission from the nanny state! Ooer missus.

Richard turned up unannounced, presumably fearful that advance notice of his sortie into enemy territory would cause me to flee the country or plant anti-personnel mines on the pavement. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Richard, I’m kidding.

Anyway, I would have thought a phone call would have done the trick but no, these are ‘serious matters’ and must be dealt with ‘seriously’, in person, despite the expense, and of course, the impact on the environment of the unnecessary car journey. Richard is good at ‘serious’. I don’t think a smile has ever crossed his face in the line of duty. It certainly didn’t today.

If you think Richard is right and the banner must come down because I’ve been jolly naughty not knowing that I needed planning permission for it, vote here. Conversely, there is of course the option to support my (prior to Richard’s visit, I thought, inalienable) right to announce the ICETWICE Book Club to the world through the medium of vinyl.

If you wish to send ‘supportive’ emails to Richard, here’s his address, richard.proctor@milton-keynes.gov.uk and his phone number (direct line) is 01908 254694





Bad Saturday, The Day After Good Friday.

5 04 2009

devilsOk, so you’ve been totally well-behaved the whole of Good Friday. You may even have been abstemious, in many senses of that word. How do you follow that? Be a bad mutha for the whole of Saturday!
We can help. Bring a print out of this page with you to ICETWICE on Bad Saturday and we’ll let you buy anything you can convince us is bad for you at 20% off it’s normal price. All you need to do is spin a plausible yarn.

Oh the shame, we shall burn in that place where naughty folk end up, for ever.





Blatantly Opportunistic Bandwagon Jumping.

17 03 2009

101-merchant-bankerRight. You know this already, but we at ICETWICE have no shame, and are quite prepared to sell items which make fun of people’s misery in order to make a fast buck.

Our poor downtrodden victims, on this occasion, are merchant bankers. (The poor lambs)

We know we should be more sympathetic to their plight, and if we had any decency we’d be having a whip round, not twisting the knife, but we can’t seem to help ourselves. So, a huge apology to all the close friends and relatives of merchant bankers out there. Please forgive us.

101 Things to Do with a Merchant Banker
On Sale Now
£5.99 from ICETWICE BookStore

Buy a copy quickly before Fred The Shred spends his entire pension fund on the first print run!

TIME TO HUG A BANKER?





Sick Joke Of The Day…

21 02 2009

Bloody GoodyBreaking News! Jade Goody to appear in West End production of Bertolt Brecht’s “Mother Courage And Her Children”…for a limited run only

T-Shirts Now Available To Order: £29.99 plus P&P. 01234 714499 or info@icetwice.com

WHEN WILL JADE GOODY DIE? PLACE YOUR BETS HERE

A NUMBER OF PEOPLE HAVE MADE COMMENTS ABOUT THIS ITEM, PLEASE READ THEM, AND MY REPLIES, IF YOU THINK FOR ONE MOMENT THAT WE ARE SERIOUSLY SELLING T-SHIRTS DESCRIBED ABOVE. WE’RE NOT!

AND, IF YOU THINK THE ‘JOKE’ ABOVE IS HORRIBLE, THERE ARE PLENTY HERE WHICH ARE MUCH WORSE:

SICKIPEDIA