Shop In Olney Or The Kitten Dies.

It seems to work for Somali pirates. Why shouldn’t it work for Olney? If you set one foot in Milton Keynes Shopping Centre, the kitten dies. Do all your Christmas Shopping in the wonderfully eclectic mixture of traditional market town and cutting edge boutique retail wonderland that is Olney, and the kitten makes it through to 2010. Think we’re kidding?

Baroness Ashton of Knotty Ash?

Have the EU in their ‘wisdom’ appointed Baroness Ashton of Upholland when they meant to appoint Ken Dodd? It is easy to understand their mistake. There is a remarkable resemblance.

A Day In The Life…December 09

Christmas Day simply wouldn’t be Christmas Day without a good family row, would it? I hate to be a harbinger of doom (actually that’s not true, it’s my hobby), but I must advise you that if you are intending to purchase just one FATBOY Beanbag for your family this Christmas, the mother of all bust-ups is almost inevitable. If you give the FATBOY to the children, granny will throw a complete wobbly, and you know what she’s like after a couple of sherries. If, instead, you label it “To Granny, Love Santa”, then the children will steal it and slope off to their rooms and nuclear war will ensue.

Take our sage advice, pop in and buy every family member one each. (We’ll do you a good deal for more than one, and we always beat the best internet price anyway). You won’t regret it. Everyone can have a different colour, so there’s no possibility of confusion. Then, when you’re all stuffed with mince pies and stilton, you can have a snoring competition in front of the electric yule log. That’s much more fun than the traditional games of rude Pictionary or dirty Scrabble. The winner is the person whose snores first register 8.2 on the Richter scale. It’s usually me in my house.

If you have a voyeuristic streak, consider one of our giant 7’ x 5’ mirrors for the living room. (Order before December 15th please.) You can all watch each other snore, it beats the Queen’s speech hands down.

Anyway, when you come to, after a couple of hours, don’t get up too quickly, or the residual Bailey’s Irish Cream will drain from your brain. Put a book by your side before you sit down, carefully open one eye when you wake up, and squint at the pages for 20 minutes before you head to the cocktail cabinet for a stiffener.

We recommend this book, Curry, A Global History, as the perfect way to re-enter the land of the living. It will also cause extreme salivation, removing the coating of cranberry sauce from your tongue. By all means give it to the man of the house as a pressie first, but make sure you steal it back before you collapse onto your FATBOY.

When you and your loved ones are compos mentis again, you’ll probably all want something to do together before settling down for the traditional two hours bonding in front of Von Ryan’s Express.

This quiz book will do the trick. Granted, there will be quizzes in the fourteen newspapers you purchase on Christmas Eve, but not as obscurely fiendish as this one. Give it to Grandpa, he likes to be in charge, and the feeling of power may even stop him losing his temper with the teenage members of the household, although admittedly that is a long shot.

Now, you need to know when to come and grab all of the above, don’t you? We’re open every day in December, and there are Late Night Shopping events in Olney on 2nd, 11th and 18th December. We shall be standing to attention by the till, shoulders back, chest out, credit card machine unholstered and environmentally unfriendly bags poised to pollute. Or just come in during normal opening hours to receive a cheery scowl and our time honoured seasonal greeting “What the ruddy hell do you want, can’t you see we’re busy?” That last bit is a joke, we’re actually quite friendly really, and, you can park at back of t’gallery for nowt. You don’t get personalised red carpet treatment like that in Milton Keynes, do you? I’ve even considered offering valet parking but I’d be tempted to go joyriding if you’ve got a flash motor. Wheeee.

Never Mind The Bollocks, What’s The Name Of The Font?

Fonts. It’s amazing how worked up people get.

Actually, maybe it’s not. A font can say a lot about a business or an individual, so why shouldn’t you get passionate about them?

Anyway, what’s the point of this blog post? Just EMAIL us, and we’ll send you a link to one of these very cool fonts, which you can then download, free!

Oh, and we’ll enrol you in our Book Club at the same time, and then you can Buy 1 Get 1 Half Price, Forever! There’s no catch!

Manhood. The Rise & Fall Of The Penis

The ancient Greeks paraded enormous sculptural replicas in annual celebration of the penis; Freud theorized that women suffered penis envy. An undeniable, global symbol of power and virility since the beginning of humankind, the penis has been much discussed, gestured towards, and depicted, yet seldom understood outside folklore and popular culture’s uneasy mix of self-deprecation and aggrandizement. Despite the penis’s central role in human life or perhaps due to that role, many men seem to suffer in isolation or silence from some perceived inadequacy or affliction. That’s where experienced urologist and sexologist Mels van Driel comes in. In Manhood he offers an unprecedented history of the penis – with answers to everything you ever wanted to know, and even some questions you’d never thought to ask.

In Manhood, van Driel presents the history of the male sexual organ from medical, psychological and cultural perspectives. Investigating the penis and its functions, from the scrotum to the glans, van Driel’s work ranges from inguinal hernia to infertility, and from impotence to the speed of ejaculation. Psychological factors that have an impact on sexual experience, as well as contemporary phenomena such as cyber sex, are given enlightening treatment along the way.

With much insight and good humour, van Driel offers diverse and instructive examples. This informative guide is not just a book for men, but for women too – anyone curious to know the facts behind the many myths and stories of the penis.

Mels van Driel is a urologist and sexologist at the University Medical Center in Groningen, The Netherlands. He has written widely for scientific publications, newspapers and magazines.

Late Night Shopping in Olney

Straight From The Fridge, Dad.

Don’t be a ‘no-goodnik from Creepville’ any longer. Get this dictionary and amaze your ‘naturally buzzin cuzzin’ with your command of Hipster Slang.

We guarantee you will find it ‘more fun than a hot transfusion’, ‘most monster’ and possibly even ‘murderistic’.

On sale now. Time to ‘get off the fence’ Hortense’.

£16.99. All books are Buy 1 Get 1 Half Price to Book Club Members…and ‘I don’t mean maybe, baby’.

Kat Von D’s ‘High Voltage Tattoo’

We have a new ‘coolest book in the store’ as of today. This.

High Voltage Tattoo is a graphic perspective on today’s global tattoo culture by Kat Von D, star of The Learning Channel’s L.A. Ink and one of the most talented and popular artists working today. Designed in a style that is reminiscent of a handmade Gothic journal with its red padded cover, ornate typography, and parchmentlike pages, it throws the door wide open to tattooing culture in the way only an insider like Kat can.

High Voltage Tattoo traces Kat’s career as an artist, from early childhood influences to recent work, along with examples of what inspires her, information about the show and her shop, her sketches, and personal tattoos. The book goes deep into tattoo process and culture: readers can see up close the pigments, the tools, and the making of complex, even collaborative, tattoos.

With a foreword by Mötley Crüe’s Nikki Sixx, the book features images and stories about celebrities, rockers, pro skaters, and everyday citizens, including Slayer’s Kerry King, Anthrax’s Scott Ian, Margaret Cho, Jackass’ Bam Margera, David Letterman, and many others. It profiles and showcases the work of artists Kat has selected from all over the world, her interviews with people who have compelling tattoos and stories, and amazing images of extraordinary tattoo work. Numerous portfolios throughout the book showcase a range of relevant subjects, from the black and gray portrait work for which Kat is famous to a popular tattoo theme, such as the rose or biblical images. There is a knockout ten-page full-body spread of Kat—clad in a yellow bikini and seven-inch, rhinestone-studded red stilettos—that catalogs in detail all her personal tattoos on her front, back, left, and right sides—even her hands and head.

Contact us to reserve your copy. Join our Book Club to Buy 1 Get 1 Half Price.

Dignitas Gift Vouchers Now Available!

We are pleased to announce that we have made arrangements with Dignitas in Switzerland, and ICETWICE Gift Vouchers may now be used to give irritating co-workers, noisy neighbours, over-enthusiastic council employees, or late-paying clients a dignified end.

Actually, we made that up, it’s not true, so, Dignitas, please don’t sue us?

However, you may purchase ICETWICE Gift Vouchers and give them as Christmas presents.

Surely this surely cannot offend anyone?

Go HERE for details!

Or call us on 01234 714499

Love from ICETWICE
xxxx

Vaclav Klaus. Vaclav Klaus. Vaclav Klaus. Yay.

I urge you to sign a crucial petition that the Taxpayers’ Alliance is running. As you may know, there is now only one man standing between the Lisbon Treaty (formerly known as the EU constitution) and ratification: President Vaclav Klaus of the Czech Republic. President Klaus has come under huge pressure from the EU and other European leaders to sign the Treaty, but so far he has held out in the face of all the threats and incentives that have been offered to him.
 
Every single main party promised us a referendum at the last General Election, but we have been denied it. The TPA is running a petition to send a message of support to President Klaus, and to urge him to hold out until we get that vote that we were promised. By contrast to our own leaders, who have betrayed their promise, he is sticking his neck out for our democracy as well as his own, so the least we can do is to express our thanks and express our support for him to continue his valiant action.

Thank you for your support, please do sign the petition here…
Stand Firm President Klaus

…and forward this page on to all of your friends and family – the more people who sign, the better our chance of getting that referendum.